Insanity
A girl gets payed to have sex with a stranger she doesn’t like.
Another girl doesn’t get payed for raising a family with a guy she loves.
A kid gets a good grade by reading over an assignment about a book and answering the questions.
Another kid gets a bad grade for wasting his time reading the book.
A doctor gets payed for remembering the name of his patient – who is now dead.
Another doctor is sued by a patient for performing CPR on him.
A president is payed for leading attack on a country successfully.
A soldier if fined because he went out drinking with a civilian.
Sad, how education is often the opposite of learning and money is opposite to value…
Dr. J.P.
A little drawing in an empty book.
A thought of deleting it comes to mind, yet i can say it is important to me.
I don’t delete it. It is important to me.
That guy who drew it, he was surfing the sea. Becomming friends with a long passed doctor, that is out of the question for him. I can’t really talk to him, the doc keeps him busy. He is the guy, the one surfing the sea. The one who drew the picture.
Because i know what he was, i keep the picture. Because i can’t accept what he is now i hold onto his past self. Because i can’t accept what he is, i hold onto the picture.
I will delete the picture. It will feel like betraying him. But for myself, i know i need to betray the him of the past to accept the him of the present. Its hard for me to feel so deeply my own cruelty; how i prefer what he can’t ever be anymore. To expect of him to be what he can’t be anymore.
I wonder, how many times have i hurt him before realizing that the problem is really me? Being accepted because you’re mistaken for someone else; and pretend it is kindness. It is so easy to be the kind person. The cruelty in me runs so wild it even hurts me when i look at it. I wanna run from it. Hide in a safe place.
I will delete the picture. The thought of it breaks my heart. His past self dies, a part of the present me dies.
And to accept myself that whether we meet or not, i will become so intimately close with the doc.
Just a Million Thoughts in One Moment
I would like to write. I live in a free society, yet, i do not feel i have the freedom to write whatever i desire. I would like to insult, to write senslessly, badly, falsely, to write about controversial topics like noone wrote about them before. But i feel some things, even in this day and age, are still taboo. Its not because what i would say would be wrong, but rather that it would change the image of me in such a way, as to make people look at me in a way that is unfamiliar. Maybe, i want to appear normal, acceptable. There is something holding me back.
My privacy is not private, this information can be accesed by people who would really want to inspect it. But more than people would see my senseless writing, i am worried about something, i can not yet quite articulate. The 90’s were a time of internet freedom, now in 2010’s its like everyone should have developed an internet personality by now. One that is rarely changing, one that clings to what is right or chosen by what is accepted, or simply what is fashion in the society you are currently accessing. I don’t really feel free to post anything anymore. Universities have more power that it was probably invisioned, and apparently threats against those who post on the internet contrary to what is deemed likable by superiors is punishable.
When did another person allow themselves to that kind of conciet, as to make the internet theirs? Have i unconsciously allowed it? Everything is now labeled, and sorted into the appropriate themes. The freedom that the people who previously labored for, a vision that was to become the internet, is tainted. Its saddening, frustrating and just such a huge letdown.
Personally, i wonder what kind of ends should i let myself go to preserve it. I have a body that requires food, yet i am completely dependant on other people to provide for me. If once there was slavery, it doesn’t mean that todays world, which fought relentlessly against the use of the word, achieved that i am not a slave. I am completely dependant, and my masters decide upon my tasks. So i don’t know if im prepared to go to great ends, when people can easily withold resources from me should they decide they do not like my behaviour. They withold my education.
Books used to be free, not? Didn’t people strive so much to achieve knowledge accessible to everyone? Yet knowledge is still kept from people, in the form of accreditations. I may know as much as the next person or more, yet should one person by disliking me withould the scores from me, i will be considered uninformed, nearly ignorant or stupid by those i would hope would hire me. I do what is decided best for me to do. I ask, how can someone else know better then me, never having walked in my shoes before? Can i just once screw up, do something not considered optimal, even if just to learn from it? Does everything need to have a fabricated consequence, as if nature had no laws that would neccesitate something to happen from a cause by itself?
What did we trade our freedoms for, i ask? I wonder if what we got was worth it? Because i did not share the fruits we got in return. I can only see that free i am not. It is decided upon me which days i will sleep. It is decided which days i will work. It is decided upon me when i will read a certain book. It is decided upon me when reading the exact same book will be punishable. I may want to work, but i am not employable at any place that man should even consider as a valid effort. Should i manipulate people into buying inferior products by lying to them? Should i work at producing cigarettes things of that sort, that are, frankly, poisons? Should i deal with beraucracy, which is the task of million upon millions of people chained to their place, small almost as that of the abused chickens they buy their eggs from? Yet in itself, beraucracy never even did feed one single person?
I think im lost, even if slightly… In the midst of it, i hope it is just a misunderstanding, a passing thought, shaped by the way i feel today and gone with the new feelings tomorrow will invoke in myself…
zacione 